Because I choose to be.
One day, I logged in and realised that I was alone. In two short years, I’d somehow managed to drive away a lot of people I thought I was on good terms with. There was always a reason why I did the things I did and how I did them.
Some people knew why and they stayed right by my side. Some people were still very close to me, or maybe they found that my usefulness outweighed how irritating I am. Some people know the situation I’ve been forced into.
There’s no point trying to explain myself any more than I already have tried. People don’t listen until you corner and talk to them one-on-one because they like the conclusion they’ve already come to: an undeserving prick who should STFU because he has no idea what he’s talking about.
I would like to say I have no regrets but I guess I do. I guess I isolated myself from a lot of people by choosing to be what I’ve become. But at the same time, there shouldn’t be any regrets because if I was taken back to the points I made the really big decisions… I don’t think I could have chosen any differently.
And that’s why I’m an idiot. Because I can be used. Because I have a weakness.
Now there’s no point making an effort with people who have given up on me already. I tried that but we always come back to some conflict or another. There’s no point now because there just isn’t time to explain to every single person I care about what is really happening.
I doubt there ever will, until this is all over. And then, it probably won’t even matter.
Funny how that works, right?
That’s why I’m a dick, anon. Because I’m a lonely bastard when I’m online, who can only count people that know and like him on one, maybe two hands. Because there’s no time to be patient and explain everything to everyone who has an issue with me.
It’s easier to be a dick than some tragic and conflicted, misunderstood soul (I exaggerate, lol). People prefer that explanation too; they don’t like complicated stories unless it’s really juicy and relevant to their own interests.
So yeah, I’m a dick. By choice.
Sorry if you’re offended but it’s easier this way.
I’m sure that those against me will read and joke about me “losing it” but I feel quite calm about it all. It’s nice to come to a conclusion and understand a situation, even if it’s not a particularly favourable one. I’m not sure why I’m even writing this long of an answer since it won’t affect the people who hate me and make a few people worry again… maybe it’s for me too, to organise the thoughts in my own head lol.